2394 messages

It has been almost 2 months.

And the phone's inbox is full with words and words and words.

2394 messages exactly.

Leaving behind the other senders, the sender owns the first place.

I do not mean to treat the others like contestants.

It is just an analogy.

It clearly indicates how I do have a lot to tell people.

Maybe sometimes, I just don't follow the exact protocol.

That is why pen and paper are in crucial need.

When you have no one to talk to, spill it all on the paper.

Then, you decide. Keep the paper or throw it away.

When you decide to keep it, surely it will be a very good reference in future.

But, if you choose to throw it away, let's assume you did that to erase all negative vibes that surrounded you while you were writing it. 

A good decision, indeed.

No hard feelings.

Don't be over-sensitive, I tell you.

Because you will literally be dying slowly.

It is not good for your health.

Inside and outside.

Am aware of this.

And am trying my best to avoid being an over-sensitive person.

To tell you the truth, 

it is super challenging to accomplish that mission.

But I'll try no matter how hard it is.

I know that surrounding plays a role. But, lemme tell you this.

You should not put blame on others.

Always look at your own faults.

No doubt. It is all back to ourselves.

The power is in your hand. You have the control.

My apology for being so upset these past few weeks.

But, am adjusting.

I am reducing my panic-attack disorder. (It's a disorder kan? Uhuk2. It sounds so teruk.)

Wanna know how I do that?

I try to go to class late. And I'm kinda okay with that.

Haha. But I do feel nervous.

I didn't do my homework regularly.

I push it all to the last minute.

And that is super crazy.

I am testing my own patience.

I know that there's no need to conform.

But, voices around me keep on telling me that I have to improve myself.

I thought I was doing it right. Keeping myself relax and not-panic.

But, I found out today that my performance is degrading.
I really thought that I have done it right.

But I am actually not.

No one is to be blamed.
It is all my fault.

If I am allowed to hurt myself, I would slap my face KUAT-KUAT.

Duh ''-__- 

orang lain semua relax je.

Aku jugak yang kecoh last-last.

Kenyataan itu memang menyakitkan.

Right now, I feel like everything I do is not right.

Ada sahaja yang tak kena.

But, But, But....

I am very proud of myself because I was able to put four characters in the archive box.

Four characters in life that have made my world upside down.

Now that they have gone, I am able to breathe normally and .. smile happily.

I told myself not to mention even their names for like 10 days and I managed to do that.

It did not stop until the 10th day.

Cukup sepuluh hari, aku sambung lagi sepuluh hari dan sepuluh hari lagi..

sehinggalah secara semulajadinya, mulut aku tak sebut langsung nama mereka.

I am doing all these, step by step.

You know what.

If people wont listen to you, then dont talk. 

It is as easy as that.

I asked myself these two questions: 

Ingat cakap kuat-kuat tu comel ke? Ingat cakap banyak tu luar biasa ke?

I was trying so hard to talk softly and you know...rendahkan suara and what not.

And I tried not to talk super banyak.

But it just didnt work out!

Oh Allah. What do I do?

Seriously, I need help.

I figured out one solution.

Find more distractions.

Last but not least, 

If you don't try, You won't know.

p/s: Ini krisis mid-degree kah? Ahaha. Nonsense.